I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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