it was like his penis was on wheels.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
