Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
This toilet bowl is my home.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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