i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
