I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
