a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
