so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
