It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
