i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
