wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Randomize