I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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