Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
