i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
