Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
