Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
