Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
