Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
