I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize