i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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