Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
