He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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