Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
