WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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