I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
