Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize