So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
