I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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