I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
