Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
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