I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
