I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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