i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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