We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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