his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
