I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
