Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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