i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize