god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
