I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
