I need to stop coming to work sober
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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