Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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