just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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