I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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