i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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