i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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