I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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