Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just found a bag of teeth...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
