this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
