I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
