hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
