I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize