highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
