Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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