can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
