Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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