i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
