go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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